Fawning: “I’ll do anything to make you like me.”
PDA: “I’ll do anything to protect my autonomy.”

I discovered a strange tension in me: I want to be helpful and kind, but I also hate being told what to do.

That contradiction makes sense now: it’s a mix of fawning (from trauma, also known as people-pleasing) and demand avoidance (from autonomy overload).
I don’t say yes or no instinctively. I weigh each request carefully to see if it makes sense to my system.

When the “Why” Matters More Than the Task

It’s not the request that bothers me but the reason behind it.
If someone says, “Because I said so,” I feel a full-body resistance.
But if they say why it matters, I’ll often help with enthusiasm.
I need context, not control.

On Boundaries and Protection

I used to think my people-pleasing made me vulnerable.
But maybe my demand resistance acted as a safety valve stopping me from being pushed too far.
Like an invisible line my system drew: I’ll help you, but I won’t lose myself in it.

When Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Enters

I initially thought the tension was binary: fawning pulling me toward people, and PDA pulling me away from pressure.

But there’s a third force that explains the intensity of the whole system:
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).

RSD is not a behaviour, it’s a sensation.
A sudden, overwhelming spike of emotional pain at the slightest felt sign of disappointment, conflict, or disapproval.

For me, it adds another layer to the way I process social cues.
I already hyper-detect micro-expressions, tone shifts, pauses, inconsistencies, and subtle changes in someone’s mood or intention. And sometimes I don‘t detect them and I fill the gap with “danger,” making them appear negative even when they aren’t.

With RSD in the mix, those signals can feel amplified, like social radar with the sensitivity dial turned up too high.

The Internal Feedback Loop

Together, the three create a cycle that burns energy:

• RSD scans for danger in social tone.
• Fawning tries to neutralise it.
• PDA rebels if the “fixing” becomes an obligation or self-erasure.
• The conflict between the two increases the feeling of threat.
• Which intensifies RSD.
• Which makes fawning more urgent.
• Which triggers even more PDA.

And when I’m low on energy (or out of spoons), diplomacy is the first to fall. In those moments, the whole triangle (fawning, PDA, and RSD) becomes harder to balance, and my system reacts faster and with less filter; I might occasionally end up inviting people to go do something to themselves that rhymes with “duck”, even if I don’t mean it.

Definitions

Fawning is a trauma response where individuals seek to avoid conflict or danger by complying with the wishes of others, often neglecting their own needs in the process.

An extreme example of this behaviour can be seen in cases of Stockholm Syndrome, where individuals who are held captive begin to develop positive feelings towards their captors as a survival strategy.

In everyday contexts, fawning can manifest as people-pleasing, avoiding disagreement, downplaying discomfort or prioritising others’ comfort over one’s own well-being.

For neurodivergent people, fawning can become a form of masking — hiding distress, confusion, or overload behind helpfulness and agreeableness. While it may keep things smooth on the outside, it often disconnects the person from their authentic needs and feelings on the inside.

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Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile sometimes seen in people on the autism spectrum. It’s not about simply being stubborn or lazy — it’s a deep, anxiety-driven resistance to demands, even ones the person wants to meet.

For someone with PDA traits, even ordinary requests like “can you get dressed?” or “please reply to this email” can feel overwhelming or threatening — especially if they come with pressure, expectations, or unclear reasons.

To cope, they might:

• Avoid or delay doing the task
• Make excuses or distract
• Use humour or charm to redirect
• Say yes, then not follow through
• Reclaim control by doing things their own way

PDA isn’t about opposition — it’s about needing autonomy to feel safe. And when paired with traits like masking or people-pleasing, it can be hard to spot — because the resistance may happen quietly, through internal distress or indirect strategies.

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Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) describes an emotional pain triggered by the perception of rejection, criticism, disappointment or disapproval — even subtle or accidental ones. It’s not about being “too sensitive”; it’s a nervous system overload where social cues feel amplified and urgent.

For people with ADHD or autistic traits, RSD often combines with hyper-awareness of tone, expressions and context, making minor cues feel like major threats. It can lead to sudden shame, panic, people-pleasing, withdrawal, or defensive reactions — even when nothing was actually wrong.