A condensed map of what I found — and how everything finally made sense.
Read my full discovery adventure, starting with the Part 1 (of 4).
Briefly Explained
I realised that contrast was present everywhere in my life and found it intriguing. Then, I understood that a lack of contrast was unsettling, and it extended beyond just visuals. I saw this as a “sensory difference, ” which served as my entry point to understanding Autism Spectrum Disorder.
From Unnamed Glitches to Mapped Patterns
A dental discomfort triggered an unexpected introspective journey. What began as a quest to understand an irrational anxiety evolved into a full system analysis of my behaviour, perception, and cognitive responses. Using a self-led, iterative method based on holistic pattern recognition and novel connections, I surfaced the following core findings:
- Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and ADHD best explain the layered, lifelong patterns I had previously interpreted as quirks or personal failures.
- The traits are lifelong, consistent, and explain both my strengths (systems thinking, perception, independence) and my challenges (overwhelm, executive dysfunction, sensory issues).
- I uncovered a range of context-sensitive traits, shaped by internal energy, stress levels, and environment — not contradictions, but a dynamic, interacting system.
I now identify as a self-recognised autistic and ADHD individual, and I’m pursuing formal diagnosis to clarify clinical boundaries and support options.
Major Traits and Discovered-Later Patterns
- Extensive Masking: I appeared easygoing while suppressing overwhelm and emotional responses. This also applied inwardly, hiding my own distress from myself.
- Alexithymia: I often couldn’t name or recognise emotions, especially under stress. Emotional insight developed through logical deduction and retrospective analysis.
- Fawning (Social and Internal): Long-standing habit of people-pleasing and conflict avoidance, externally toward others and internally through suppression of my own needs.
- Hyperindependence & Hypervigilance: Adapted to stress by relying solely on myself and maintaining full control over situations, often without recognising the cost.
- Dyspraxia: Hidden but significant motor planning and coordination challenges, becomes noticeable with multitasking physical actions.
- Executive Dysfunction: Difficulty initiating, sequencing, and completing small tasks; paradoxically coexisting with advanced problem-solving skills in complex domains.
- Stealth Dyslexia: Delayed or nonlinear reading and writing processes, with strengths in abstract thinking, memory through patterns, and spatial association.
- Complex PTSD: Rooted in prolonged sensory overload, chronic emotional suppression, and lifelong mismatch with social norms and environments.
- Sensory Processing Differences: Acute sensitivity to contrast, noise, smell, touch, and light fluctuations. Often unnoticed by others, but deeply regulating my environment and focus.
- Misophonia: Specific auditory triggers (e.g. honking) provoke panic responses, traceable to unresolved trauma and sensory defensiveness.
The Process
- Built a multidimensional map of my internal world using self-observation, retroactive insight, and external references.
- Each new insight recursively unlocked previously inaccessible memories — including forgotten meltdowns and shutdowns.
- Online resources (screeners, videos, podcasts) provided vocabulary and external validation, accelerating the process.
- Conversations with close relations confirmed and reinforced my conclusions — many had noticed traits long before I had.
Traits in Practice
| Area | Expression |
|---|---|
| Attention | Intense hyperfocus or complete disengagement. Motivated by curiosity, not importance. |
| Memory | Pattern-linked and emotional; weak for sequences or arbitrary data. |
| Communication | Irregular in writing; situational challenges in speech, especially under pressure. |
| Social | One-on-one: comfortable. Groups: observer role. Masking often drains energy. |
| Body Regulation | Reliant on rituals (lighting, blankets, movement). Internal state inferred via disruptions. |
| Learning | Nonlinear. Fast assimilation once patterns are seen. Poor response to step-by-step methods. |
| Crisis Handling | Calm in emergencies. Overwhelmed by multi-tasking or ambiguous pressure. |
| Driving | Failed due to sensory, coordination, emotional, and executive overload (reframed as a incompatibility). |
| Work | Excelled in logic-heavy roles; failed in socially-vague or executive-heavy roles. Prefer part-time autonomy. |
What I Needed to Know
- I’m not broken. I was running a different OS without the manual.
- Contradictions had context. Rigidity and flexibility coexisted depending on stress and clarity.
- My strengths aren’t random. They’re features of the same neurotype.
- Some traits are adaptations. They once protected me, but no longer serve the life I want.
- Diagnosis is a tool, not a label. I’m seeking it for clarity, protection, and future-proofing.
Where I Stand
- Status: Self-identified; preparing for formal diagnostic evaluation.
- Goal: Build a sustainable, ND-friendly lifestyle and career strategy.
- Next Steps: Diagnostic clarification, continued executive support, career shaping based on sustainable energy loops.
- Values: Ethics, fairness, structure, curiosity, compassion.